Freddie Mitchell Just Wants to Be Loved

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Thought all your Eagles excitement this season was over? WRONG, BUCKO! You have an appointment with your television Tuesday night, because fresh off of saying breathtakingly wrong things about his playing career, former Eagles wideout and generally useless human being Freddie Mitchell is appearing Tuesday on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker. Yes, Millionaire Matchmaker. The show for rich people who can’t buy an appealing personality!

Now I know it seems wildly implausible that someone as dumb as FredEx would still be in possession of ANY of his signing bonus, but I doubt Bravo people had much quibble with that. Because he’s FredEx! The biggest name in failed laughingstock first round picks! Let’s watch a clip and see what Freddie’s looking for in a potential mate, shall we?

Critical advice from Patti: “Never give a woman cash.” So true. They can’t be trusted with things like cash. They’ll go out and buy acrylic nails and bottles of white wine with it! Dating 101, people. One time my wife asked me for 20 bucks to get gas and I told her "PAY YOUR OWN WAY, MISSY." That’s how healthy relationships work. “I need a pad to write this down,” Freddie says. You sure do, fella, You sure do.

So be on the lookout! Nothing eases the pain of playoff loss like seeing old FredEx back being a moron.

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