Dear Michael Vick, Slide!

Michael Vick Giants rush
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I know it’s very exciting that the Eagles won last night and that they are now in first place, and that Michael Vick is your new bicycle. That’s all super duper. Really. But Vick’s resurgence is only gonna last another week or two if he doesn’t grow a brain and figure out a way to freakin’ SLIDE.

From beginning to end, last night’s Giants-Eagles game was a master class in How Not To Go Down With The Ball If You Are A QB. From Eli Manning’s baffling sideways duck and fumble, to virtually every Michael Vick run, it was like the QBs last night were handing out concussion vouchers to every linebacker on DB on the opposing squad.

Vick should know better at this point. But, amazingly, he’s already on record this year as saying he literally doesn’t know how to slide. He said he tried it in Atlanta and that it didn’t work for him.

I find this amusing, because sliding doesn’t strike me as a terribly complex physical enterprise.

Here now, are the instructions for a basic quarterback slide.

1. Run very fast.

2. Fall down, with your feet in front of your body.

3. Continue falling until you have reached the ground completely.

That’s it. Those are the instructions. Now, I expect these instructions to be mildly challenging to a quarterback who was already stupid enough to get sent to prison for dogfighting because he didn’t realize that was, like, bad. Michael Vick isn’t gonna be caught reading "The Economist" anytime soon.

Fair enough.

But Vick already knows how to do things like run and throw. In fact, he seems quite capable at both. So I fail to understand why this would be such a challenge to add to his repertoire. He’s already said sliding isn’t part of his game, which strikes me as the intractable stance of someone who still has plenty to learn. Vick doesn’t slide because he thinks sliding is for girly girls and stuff. He’s too tough and cool for that! Very mature.

The Eagles need to teach Vick to slide -- and quick. He’s already been knocked out for a couple games this year because he refused to slide. Yet he’s failed to heed the past and just keeps on doing it. So why would the Eagles hand a lucrative extension to Vick when it’s clear that he’s willing to be jacked on virtually every running play? It’s stupid. Get down, Michael. Or else the Justin Tucks of this world will put you down.

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