It’s been another crazy offseason for our Philadelphia Eagles, but one thing has remained the same: the overall mediocrity of the NFC East. Like ordering a random dish from the new take-out place Seamless is recommending, each NFC East team comes with a low-ceiling and the potential to induce intense gastro displeasure.
So forget Carson Wentz. Forget the Jim Schwartz defense. Forget the potential of Dorial Green-Beckham and the dominance of Fletcher Cox and the deviousness of Howie Roseman. Football season is finally underway, and as per usual the Eagles surest way into the postseason is through the Three Stooges in D.C., Dallas, and New York.
So without further insult, let’s take a look at what’s been going on with the Eagles biggest rivals:
Washington R-Word’s
Washington was your 2015 NFC East Champions with a 9-7 record, made even more impressive by the fact that they didn’t win a single game against a team over .500. If the 2015 NFC East was a dumpster-fire, Washington was the unburnable Daenerys Targaryen… if Khaleesi had spent the past two decades a dysfunctional laughingstock.
The key to Washington’s success (beyond the previously mentioned dumpster fire) was the improved play of quarterback Kirk Cousins, who quit turning the ball over just long enough for this team to slip into the playoffs. Washington rewarded him with the franchise tag, which means one of two likely outcomes: if Cousins plays well this season, he’s the D.C. QB for life, but if he reverts back to an interception-loving Bobby Hoying impression, he’s likely destined for a career as a journeyman.
Cousins, meanwhile, has stated he wants to emulate the San Antonio Spurs. Because when I watch this vine, I think Tim Duncan. It’s like Terrell Owens applying for a job as a librarian.
Philadelphia Eagles
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Cousins’ Be-Like-The-Spurs Memo apparently didn’t get delivered to newest Washingtonian Josh Norman, who joins a prestigious list of Dan Snyder Free Agent Acquisitions that includes (but is not limited to) Albert Haynesworth, Adam Archuleta, and Deion Sanders. Norman spent his offseason making Kanye West seem reserved, throwing shade at everyone from Sam Bradford to Odell Beckham Jr.
The addition of Norman should be a plus for Washington (despite what 15 years of Snyder free agency spending suggests). Regardless, Norman calling out Bradford is about as tough as Donald Trump calling out windmills. Sad!
Bottom Line: Cousins is the main story here; his play will decide whether this franchise has the pleasure of overpaying him for the next half-decade or if Danny Boy is back looking for signal callers next offseason. Everything on paper says this squad should be improved over last years surprising “success,” but there’s a reason this franchise hasn’t had back-to-back winning seasons since Snyder bought the team. As always, a losing season could lead to mass implosion.
Oh, and DeSean Jackson is in a contract year, which will surely have no impact on how Jaccpot views his team's success this season. I for one can’t wait for the inevitable sideline explosion when Cousins underthows the former Eagle in Week 3.
New York Giants
Where the Eagles are trying to party like it’s 1999, the New York Giants are similarly trying to follow patterns of the past to glory. They invested heavily in their defensive line, re-signing Jason Pierre-Paul while bringing in Oliver Vernon and Damon Harrison. The idea is to combine a strong defensive front with just-enough-Eli-magic to snap a streak of three losing seasons. Essentially what they had in 2007.
Of course, those great Giants defenses were built through the draft, not free agency, and they also benefitted from an uncanny amount of luck. Like, unbelievably lucky. Luckier than you were the day that Nigerian prince asked you to help him out with his bank account.
Despite some shiny new free agents, it’s fair to wonder how much things will actually change. The offense will be the same, since O.C. and mustache-wax fanboy Ben McAdoo was promoted to head coach. And the defense will also be the same, as former Eagles assistant Steve Spagnuolo continues to run that show despite the unit finishing 30th in points allowed and 32nd in yards allowed last season. Even Juan Castillo is thinking, “I could have done that!”
The offensive line, meanwhile, inspires as much confidence as the VR for the recalled Galaxy Note 7 (which from my understanding, will literally light your face on fire). While the Giants should be improved from a stronger D-line and better overall health, neither should be enough to make up for an O-line as tough as a dryer sheet.
So while the idea of OBJ and Victor Cruz as a tagteam is tantalizing, the Giants seem set to squander another year of Eli’s dwindling career.
Oh, and Tom Coughlin was scapegoated out of his job and now just hangs around the Giants facility like Chief Wiggum trying to catch the Beer Baron. That seems like a healthy work environment.
Bottom Line: Giants fans are banking on the idea that last seasons problem was Coughlin. But just because the last guy came off like a bumblin’ old fool out of touch doesn’t mean the job is easy. Just ask Ryne Sandberg.
Dallas Cowboys
As bad as things were for Eagles fans last season, the saving grace was that things were even worse in Big D. Because Jerry Jones entrusted football-punchline Brandon Weeden as his back-up quarterback (seen here watching the Independence Day aliens break into Earth’s atmosphere), the Cowboys endured a seven-game losing streak that effectively ended their season.
So, with Tony Romo again suffering a serious injury, this time to his back, the Cowboys season should be as done as dumpster swimming pools, right?
Not exactly.
The difference is this year, the Cowboys have Dak Prescott, a 4th-round rookie QB who has been doing everything this preseason that Eagles fans wish Wentz had done. The kid’s been tearing it up, and that fact combined with the National Media Dallas Hype Machine has convinced some that this season, for sure, will be different for dem’ Boys.
Of course, if preseason performances were any real indicator, Sam Bradford would be Canton-bound, alongside Paul Turner and Henry Josey and every other practice squad player who’s name I can’t remember.
The biggest name the Cowboys added this offseason was first-round draft pick Ezekiel Elliot, who is already making headlines for all the wrong reasons. No doubt the Jones family will provide this troubled star with the proper structure to be successful. Just like they have for Rolando McClain. Or DeMarcus Lawrence. Or Randy Gregory.
Bottom Line: With Dez Bryant, that O-line, Elliot, and even mediocre play from Prescott, the Cowboys will be able to tread water better than they did a year ago. But that’s more a comment about how quickly and pathetically Dallas folded the tent a year ago, and not as much a compliment on the potential of the rookie QB. The Cowboys status as a legitimate contender will depend on the development of Prescott, and no matter how much Cowboy-Kool-Aid ESPN flushes down your throat, the odds are against it.
The most interesting story line is if Romo can return, and even if he can, will he be welcome?
Divisional Sum-Up: As should be expected for this time of year, each team has a reason for optimism. For Washington, it’s the addition of Norman and continuity at the quarterback position. For New York, it’s the removal of Tom Coughlin and some big-name defensive acquisitions. For Dallas, it’s the assumption that a grease-filled wet-nap would be an upgrade over Weeden and Matt Cassell. But at the end of the day, each team has notable flaws, like eating cheese-fries to get healthy (that’s dairy AND a vegetable!).
One of these teams will make the playoffs this season. While putting the deposit down on a “2016 NFC East Champs” neck tattoo might be a little aggressive, it’s not ridiculous to suggest that with a few lucky bounces, the Eagles could be sitting at the top come December.
