Jersey Fouls is our ongoing exploration of the rules and etiquette for proper hockey jersey creation and exhibition. If you spot what you think may be a foul in your arena, e-mail a photo to us at email@example.com for inclusion in future installments.
This monstrosity from Denver epically fails on two levels: As a Frankenjersey, and as another example of the inexplicable desire of some fans to get their hockey in their baseball when it never works the other way; i.e., there isn't a "Jeter 2" Rangers jersey floating around out there. At least we hope not.
From reader Aaron T:
"I went to the Avs-Stars game and this jersey stuck out like a sore thumb, which I guess isn't hard to do in the poorly attended Pepsi Center. You know the Avs are bad when fans start showing up in quasi-Rockies gear, or when I'd rather be scoping out a jersey foul than watch the product on the ice. It looks like this guy handmade a Colorado Avalanche 'sweater' and spliced it together with a Colorado Rockies jersey. Notice that the Avs jersey is the pre-RBK era burgundy, yet instead of putting the logo on the front, he continued to spell 'Colorado' from the Rockies' jersey. The entire thing is short sleeved and definitely screams 'custom'.
"This monstrosity alone would qualify as foul, but I think the nameplate and numbering on the back puts it into that questionable category. With #33 on the back, he shifted 'Roy' to the left so he could spell 'Roy-ker', a tribute to the Rockies' star of the past Larry Walker (33) and of course, St. Patrick (33)."
We're sure some of the commenters will hand out a few points for creativity, if only because the Frankenjersey does in fact combine two Canadian sports icons. But overall: yuck.
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We're a little more on the fence about this second Rocky Mountain Jersey Foul, from reader 'Guess Who': The Martin Brodeur Colorado Rockies jersey.
Coming Up: Turning Nicklas Lidstrom Russian, a professional wrestling foul, mommy and daddy, a "very nice" sweater and the be-all-and-end-all of "McLovin 69" fouls.
And here ... we ... go.
Alex and Josh sent over this image, and explain the Foul in question:
This jersey is a foul for so many reasons: The 2004 All Star jersey with a Wings patch on the shoulder has the #5 on the back. #5 was worn by Swede, Nick Lidstrom; yet, 'THE RUSSIAN' name on the back clearly indicates the man's confusion. The only other Wing in the game was Datsyuk, the actual Russian who wore #26 in that game. This is a disgusting foul, considering what we thought was a knowledgeable fan base. We need to set this man straight.
This very well may be our first all-star game Jersey Foul, and the personalized all-star jersey has to be one of the head-pounding dumbest things we've ever seen. The entire point of an all-star jersey is to pimp the fact that an individual player was, in fact, an all-star in whatever year the jersey represents.
So this jersey poops on Lidstrom, poops on the Detroit Red Wings, poops on the all-star game and poops on our wavering faith in humanity.
UPDATE: In the comments, Reader Matt rightfully wonders if this is a reference to the "Russian 5" that played with the Wings, and it's a good catch. So the answer is no, stewardess -- we don't speak Red Wing.
"Is this some terribly clumsy mistake, the will of a person with two favorite players, or another in a line of cheap Asian knock offs?
"Much like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, the world may never know."
Indeed. This could be a case in which the fan is named "Talbot," but has decided to adopt Gonchar's number as a tribute. In that case, it's not the fan's fault that he shares a last name with Max Talbot of the Penguins; but it is his fault that he put it on a Sergei Gonchar jersey.
Reader Danae said that this "Borat 69" jersey is from a few years ago, but it's new to us. Indeed, this is an actual Kazakhstan national ice hockey jersey, perfect for throwing over Pamela Anderson's head to kidnap her or for wearing during sexy time.
Honestly, with the way Kazakhstan reacted to "Borat" when it came out, is this anything but a PASS?
We eagerly await the Bruno Team Austria jersey ...
"Worst Jerseys Ever," declared Puck Buddy 'Fish Tank' upon sending the New York Rangers Mommy and Daddy sweaters. Reader Joe also spotted "Mommy" around the arena. One would assume these were heartwarming gifts from appreciative children.
You know how sometimes a kid will get his father a tie for Father's Day? The thought is really nice, but it looks atrocious, like someone cleaned up a coffee spill with a shower curtain? Daddies typically bury those ties in the back of the closet. Same principle applies.
If you read Puck Daddy, you know we have a clinical addiction to old school professional wrestling references. So we have a soft spot for this sweater spotted by Jared from Philly at a Philadelphia Phantoms/Hershey Bears game. This would appear to be an "Austin 3:16" Philadelphia Flyers sweater, and really there's no other team where this would fit better, no?
As Jared wrote: "The only thing missing is a can of whoop ass." And a red-faced Vince McMahon.
Finally, the scourge of the "McLovin 69" Jersey Fouls has been well-documented here. It's a cultural film reference that never exactly captivated the masses to begin with (it's no Borat, or Booger for that matter) and now it's completely outdated.
The "McLoven 69" jersey, on the other hand, is like the seven-layer burrito of Jersey Fouls -- endless fun. The only way you could screw up a sweater any more is if you wore it upside down.
Thanks to Tony for the image.