When it comes to Philadelphia sports these days, everything is bad.
The Phillies can't get a win. Herrera, Galvis, and Franco all forgot how to hit over the winter. Mike Trout just tore a thumb ligament, meaning the Phillies can't trade for him for 8 to 10 weeks.
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The Rocky statue is closed for repairs. It's the Stanley Cup Finals this week and the Flyers were eliminated three months ago. The Eagles' starting cornerbacks are still Jalen Mills and Patrick Robinson, and worst of all, Carson Wentz ate a cheesesteak made from venison.
So I guess it's up to the Sixers to save our city from infamy and laughingstock status. What could possibly go wrong?
Luckily, Sam Hinkie is long gone, and the Sixers can finally get down to business and build a winning team. Can they do it? Only if they follow my fool-proof, 10-point, offseason plan, using all of our future draft picks and cap space:
1. Trade up for Markelle Fultz.
2. Trade into the first round again and draft Malik Monk.
3. Trade up for one more first round pick and get that fat guy with the beard from Gonzaga.
4. Use all four second-round picks on different Villanova players.
5. Trade Jahlil Okafor.
6. Trade that annoying future Lakers pick.
7. Trade the future Kings pick, but only if necessary.
8. Sign Kyle Lowry.
9. Sign JJ Redick.
10. Take the entire current medical staff and fire them into the sun.
I see no reason why Bryan Colangelo can't do all ten of those moves.
I know you Sam Hinkie lovers aren't into this kind of roster construction. You prefer to just keep trading for more and more draft picks to be used on injured guys. Who would you rather have -- a Simmons/Fultz/Lowry/Saric/Embiid lineup, or a squad fronted by JaKarr Sampson and Hollis Thompson? Sorry, Spike -- some of us are ready to win, right now.
But if for some reason the Sixers decide to keep their third overall pick, they'll have to draft someone. A ranking of my Sixers pick preference, and the injury that I expect them keep them out for their entire rookie year:
1. Josh "Torn ACL" Jackson
2. Malik "Ruptured Achilles" Monk
3. D'Aaron "Torn Labrum" Fox
4. Jayson "Setback" Tatum
5. Jonathan "Plantar Fascitis" Isaac
6. Dennis "Broken Shooting Hand" Smith, Jr
7. Frank "Inconclusive X-rays" Ntilikina
8. Lauri "Bone Bruise" Markkanen
9. Donovan "Mystery Illness" Mitchell
10. Bam "Baby Bynum" Adebayo
I'll see you in Fall 2018, whoever you are.
Other Philly Sports takes:
- The worst thing about that story of Boston fans yelling racial slurs at the Orioles' Adam Jones is the mean things the media would say about Philadelphia fans if that happened here. Sickens me, in fact.
- By charging the mound and throwing his helmet at the Giants' pitcher on Monday, Bryce Harper became a Phillie, two years ahead of schedule. Don't worry, by the time he gets here he'll have mastered actually landing the helmet throw.
- Great move by the Eagles to sign LeGarrette Blount. I've liked that guy ever since he punched a guy in a college game.
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