Jason Kelce Vs. Alex Ovechkin: A Battle for Parade Glory

By now, you've probably seen Alexander Ovechkin's parade speech in Washington after the Capitals finally won a Stanley Cup. 

If you haven't, it was pretty good. 

It got us thinking, though … was it better than Jason Kelce's speech? And if it wasn't, how close was it? 

Well, we'll break it down by five different categories, keeping in mind this is about an inexact a science as there is and most Philadelphians would go Kelce and most folks from D.C. would obvi pick Ovie. 

Anyway, here it goes: 


OK, so this is a layup for Kelce, who rocked a ridiculous green Mummers costume. Check out how he ended up in that costume here. It was really a perfect nod to the city that had waited so long for that exact parade. 

Nothing wrong with Ovie's attire. But he just wore his No. 8 jersey. There were probably 100,000 fans at the parade wearing the same exact thing. 

Advantage: Kelce


It's hard to imagine Kelce getting outdone here, but Ovechkin said: "Hold my beer." Actually, he said, "Give me that beer back." I mean, have you seen all the videos of Ovechkin from the last week? I don't think that man has been sober since the Cup was handed to him. He was doing keg stands out of the Stanley Cup!

Advantage: Ovie


English obviously isn't Ovechkin's first language, but that just added to the charm of his speech. "We're not gonna be f------ suck this year!" That's an all-timer. Really great stuff. 

The problem is that Kelce went on a full-on rant. The hungry dogs stuff, bringing up his teammates and his coach and his GM. Ovie put up a good fight, but this is a no-brainer. 

Advantage: Kelce 

Pure joy

Kelce was great, but you could actually argue that his speech was more intense than it was joyous. Go back and listen to the end of Ovechkin's short speech. That yell is crazy. That's the essence of pure joy. It's at this time we'd like to point out that this category might be tied to one from earlier in the list. 

Advantage: Ovie

Use of a curse word

Ovie obviously didn't have a super long speech like Kelce, but his F-bomb was pretty good and we already talked about its charm. 

But Kelce put on a master class in the use of a swear word.

Dressed in his Mummers outfit, Kelce was impassioned through the whole speech, but he let it build up to his first F-bomb of a few. Kelce actually said 399 words before cursing. When he did, it was like what happens to a soda after shaking it up and popping the tab. 

"You know who the biggest underdog is? It's y'all, Philadelphia. For 52 years, y'all have been waiting for this. You want to talk about underdog? You want to talk about a hungry dog? For the last 52 years, you have been starved of this championship. Everybody wonders why we're so mean. Everybody wonders why the Philadelphia Eagles don't have the nicest fans. If I don't eat breakfast, I'm f------ pissed off!

Advantage: Kelce 

Final Score: Kelce 3, Ovie 2

A nice showing from one of the greatest hockey players in the world, but he was unable to take down the Eagles' center. 

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