From Chicago, With (No) Love

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Dear Philadelphia,

How are things? We're looking forward to seeing you and your football team this week. It's rather fitting that we're playing your Eagles just days after Thanksgiving, because we're so thankful for you.

We're thankful that our defense will get to stop Michael Vick. He's been on a hot streak lately, but we're so thankful that it will end this Sunday. We're thankful that he is yet to throw any interceptions this season. D.J. Moore will be quite grateful to teach him what throwing a pick feels like. You may already know what a sack feels like, but Israel Idonije and Julius Peppers are more than happy to remind you of it.

Most of all, we're thankful that the Bears will send your Eagles packing, just as the Blackhawks did in June. How is Pronger doing these days?




Hey Chicago,

After this weekend, we're pretty sure you won't be thankful for anything other than the imminent dismissal of Lovie Smith.

Sure, on paper both teams come into the game 7-3 and on three game winning streaks. But the Bears have only beaten one team with a winning record all season. The Eagles, on the other hand, have four quality wins against playoff-bound teams. Can you handle it?

Your little Teddy Bears couldn't stop the vaunted Michael Vick Express even if they had Rahm Emmanuel throwing money at the referees. Not when the guy they're used to lining up against in practice throws more interceptions than anyone this side of Minneapolis. Don't be mad just because glorious Jay Cutler is the best QB you've had since the 1940s.

Oh, and forget lesser sports. Unless you want us to bring up those gag-inducing Cubs...

Smell Ya Later,



Dear Philly,

You want to talk about history? Let's talk history. Let's talk about your Super Bowl wins. Let's talk about your Hall of Fame members.

Oh, you haven't had any Super Bowl wins? 0-2? Yeesh. 13 Hall of Fame members? That's sweet. Chicago more than doubles that, but keep employing felons who can run fast, and you just might catch up.

But we're not here to talk about the past, but the future. Namely, 3:15 CT on Sunday. Question -- do you guys have anything else but Vick? Anything to stop Devin Hester, the best kick return man of the generation? Anything to quell Julius Peppers, a sack man on a streak? What about Johnny Knox, a downfield threat on every pass?

With all the love in our hearts,



Hey Chicago,

Maybe the cold wind has scrambled your brains. Have you even watched an NFL game this season?

We're supposed to be scared of Devin Hester, when we have DeSean Jackson screaming past defenders? Julius Peppers is supposed to beat us, when our only sometimes-starting left defensive end Juqua Parker has as many sacks? We're supposed to worry about Johnny Knox — a guy who would be about the 8th best offensive option on the Eagles?

No, on Sunday the Eagles will finally expose the Bears for who they really are: frauds. When Michael Vick and Company are running circles around your overmatched defense, and Jay Cutler is throwing another three picks to our opportunistic secondary, people will finally see that only one team on the field is headed to playoff glory — the one in Midnight Green.

Peace Out,


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