As part of our College Football preview series, we've been lucky enough to peek into the world of the JoePa Chronicles, where Fake Joe Paterno regales us and those around him with tales of football history, international intrigue, and that one weird story where he probably confused Ki-Jana Carter with Jimmy Carter. Fake JoePa also has lots to say about the upcoming season, and today he talks about the Big Ten.
AND THAT IS HOW LASSIE ACQUIRED THE CANINE AIDS
Just for saving a little red-headed boy? That hardly seems
NOT JUST ANY REDHEAD, A KNOWN IRISH
Whatever. Can I go home now? It's like 8 and all you've done since lunch is watch TV.
THIS IS FILM STUDIES, WE HAD A VERY INCONSISTENT YEAR LAST YEAR
No, it's not. It's the first season of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. And I think you know that because you've been singing along to the theme song even when it's not playing.
GO GO NOW A DANGER
GO GO COWS IN MANGERS
GO GO HOW'S YOUR TAILOR
WHO GOES THERE
It's me, brosephina! The Zooker! Whooooooo!
WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS A ZOOKER
Coach Ron Zook baby! WHOOOOO YEAH ROSE BOWL BIZNIPS!!!
WHAT DO YOU WANT AND WHERE ARE YOU
I just wanted to talk football, baby! Big Ten Talkin'! Pumped! Whoo! ROSE BOWL!
I'm right behind you in the door. Are you going to turn around?
THE BIG TEN BELONGS TO OHIO STATE THIS YEAR, YOU LEAD-BRAINED MANIAC
No way, baby! It's the orange and blue!
FLORIDA IS NOT IN THE BIG TEN
No, the other one!
No! That... one team! With the guy!
DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF THE TEAM YOU COACH
Yeah baby! ROSE BOWL CHAMPEEEEEEENS!!!!!
I HAVEN'T HAD A COHERENT THOUGHTS SINCE 1995 AND EVEN I KNOW GOOD AND GOD-DAMNED WELL YOU ARE BOTH INCORRECT AND INSANE. NAME YOUR SCHOOL
I really miss Florida.
AFTER OHIO STATE IT IS MOST CERTAINLY PENN STATE AS OUR OFF-SEASON TRAINING REGIMEN HAS EARNED NATIONAL PRESS ATTENTION
Training? I just saw some guys get picked up by the FIVE-OH-NO! LOL!!!!! LMAO IMHO!!!!
NOT SCARED OF THE LAW, NOT SCARED OF THE DEFENSE
WE WERE ALWAYS ONE ANTHONY MORELLI TRIPLE HOMICIDE AWAY FROM GLORY
MR. PATERNO WILL BE
Joe Joe Joe.
Joe I'm one of the best coaches in the league, and when you're gone I'll be number one.
YOU HAVE THE IQ OF A BAG FULL OF BOSTON RED HOTS AND YOU KNOW IT
Name a better coach in the league. Tressel.
STOLE DARRYL PRIOR FROM ME AND OUGHT TO BE HANGED
CROOKED LIKE MY PROSTATE
WORSTER THAN FERENTZ
Fitzgerald? Lynch? Dantonio? Brewster?
YOUNG AWFUL NEW HORRIBLE
Maybe any... assistants of yours? Up and coming QB coaches? With your last name?
OH GOD NO. YOU ARE MAKING AN EXCELLENT POINT AND IT INFURIATES ME
SECRETARY, GET HIM OUT OF HERE
Dang it, Dad! She left.
WHO IN GOD WITH THE WHAT
It's me! Jay! It's been me the entire time! Ron Zook's not here!
I was hoping you'd take the opportunity to tell "Ron" that I was one of the best coaches in the conference too.
YOU ARE GOOD AT ONE THING AND THAT IS SHUTTING YOUR BASTARD IRISH MOUTH AND LETTING ME WATCH GAME FILM
I was also hoping you'd let me watch Power Rangers with you, because I can name them all even from after this season.
I guess I'll just go then.
TURN OFF THE LIGHT WHEN YOU GO
THE LIGHT IS STILL ON
I guess... Dad, I just want to say right now it feels like we're just two people who don't actually know each other at all. And that makes at least one of us really, really sad.
GO GO DOUR STRANGERS
In partnership with NBC Sports Philadelphia
All photo credits: Getty Images