Last night, after my co-ed adult-league soccer team got trounced 6-0 (I know, so embarrassing), I headed up to the Old Eagle Tavern in Manayunk to drown my sorrows. After I got there and started shoving French fries in my fat dumb face, I texted my boss Enrico to tell him that I didn't have isht to write about for this week's post. He told me to talk to random people about what they thought of the Eagles' pick.
So here are a bunch of word-for-word conversations with strangers -- some who followed football, and some who were having trouble forming full, coherent sentences -- exactly as they happened.
Me: What did you think of the Eagles' pick?
Jaclyn: Yeah, I'm very good and confident with that. Good move.
Me: Okay, interesting way to answer a question. Do you know the guy's name?
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Jaclyn: I had the C right.
Me: He spells it with a K.
Me: No. That's ridiculous, Jaclyn. That would be a ridiculous way to spell a name. C'mon.
Phil did not want to have his picture taken and his name was definitely not Phil.
Me: Thoughts on the pick, Phil?
Phil: I mean, I expected it.
Me: Okay, but what are your thoughts on it?
Phil: Well, it's what the Eagles needed. He's a perfect backup.
Me: That's what the Eagles needed? A backup?
Me: With the second overall pick?
Me: What's that on your hat, Phil? A hook?
Phil: It's a fishing hook.
Me: To catch fish with?
Me: Are you planning on going down the Schuylkill River later to catch fish?
Phil: No, but if I got kidnapped or something right now, I could catch a fish.
Me: That's a good point.
Sara and her dog, Woodley
Me: What'd you think of the pick, Sar?
Sara: Well, it's what everyone expected.
Me: That's exactly what Phil said. Are you just stealing his answer?
Sara: No, I heard that on social media. But they say that the quarterback is the one who makes the team.
Me: They do say that, yeah.
Sara: Are you taking notes?
Sara: Are you a reporter?
Me: Not really.
Sara: Do you do courtroom justice?
Me: I don't know what that means.
Me: Do you like this pick? Do you hate it?
Joe: I mean, it's okay I guess. I would've preferred that the guy played at Stanford or USC or something, as opposed to South Dakota State.
Me: North Dakota State.
Me: Can you throw a football?
Me: Like a spiral?
Emma: Yeah. I mean, not all the time. But like 50% of the time.
Me: That's pretty good. Did someone teach you to throw a spiral growing up? Like, do you have older brothers or something?
Emma: No, but my older uncle taught me.
Me: Your older uncle? Do you have a younger uncle? Aren't most uncles older?
Emma: Not all of them.
Me: What'd you think of the Eagles' pick?
Emma: I don't care all that much.
Me: Do you know who they took?
Emma: Not Goff.
Me: That's right! Do you know the guy's name?
Me: Do you wanna try to guess his name?
Emma: Not really.
Me: Oh, c'mon Emma. Just take a guess.
Me: Yes, Emma. His name is Frankenstein. The new man's name is Frankenstein.
Emma: I knew it.
Welcome to town, Frankenstein! Great to have you.
And shout out to the Old Eagle Tavern in Manayunk. Great beer selection. Dope buffalo chicken sandwiches. Perfectly fine and somewhat enjoyable-to-talk-to clientele.