Made Up Fantasy Stats to Make the Eagles Great in Fantasy Again

Well folks, it’s just about that time of year again. Fantasy football is back. Chances are your commissioner is collecting funds for this year’s league and setting up your fantasy app as you’re reading this. And if you’re really into it, you’ve probably been spending recent weeks studying up on the projected rankings, hopping in fantasy mock drafts, thinking up stupid punny team names, and drawing up whatever absurd tattoo league loser will be getting inked as punishment.

Okay. So you’re probably not that into it, but you’re definitely playing. Everyone does. Fantasy football is basically America’s new favorite pastime. You don’t even have to watch or know football to play. We’ve all had that guy in our league at one time or another who has absolutely no clue what he’s doing and still somehow coasts his way to the championship.

But you know football. I know you know football because you’re probably an Eagles fan. Why else would you be reading a Philly sports blog? Eagles fans know football. They also know that one of the best parts of the fantasy football experience is having the best Eagles players on your team. They do well, the Eagles do well, your fantasy team does well. Win-win. Nothing beat having Lesean McCoy in 2013 when he rushed for 1,600 yards, scored 11 touchdowns, and was the all-around best player in fantasy.

But don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying to go ahead and be that senseless homer that drafts an all-Eagles roster because “Nelson Agholor is going to break out any game now” and “Sam Bradford could actually be a really good quarterback in Chip Kelly’s high-octane offense.” SMH. I’m just saying that having your favorite team’s players perform well for you is a good thing for obvious reasons.

This year, however, there’s one big problem: this Eagles team, for fantasy purposes at least, is legitimately bad (not good). Think about it. There’s not one real bonafide fantasy stud on this Eagles roster. Is there a guy on this team worth taking in the first few rounds? No one can say for sure. But I swear to you that, as I’m writing this, I’ve got SportsCenter’s Fantasy Football rankings special playing on ESPN2 in the background and they haven’t mentioned one Eagle yet.

Bummer, I know. But it doesn’t mean you can’t still have fantasy fun as an Eagles fan. Take it from an expert. All you’ve got to do is tinker with your league’s scoring system a bit. Adjust it to show a little favor Eagles players and the specific nuances they have in comparison to other players around the league.

Luckily for you, I’ve got a few ideas to get it started. Here are a few fantasy stats to inflate those Eagles scores and Make the Eagles Great in Fantasy Again!

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RECEIVING

Add 1 point...
Every time a receiver (any Eagles receiver) drops a perfectly thrown pass. Nelson Agholor just became an early second rounder already!

Add 2 points...
Each time Brent Celek hurdles another player.

Add 3 points...
Every time Jordan Matthews tries out a cool new celebration after making a catch! Make it four points if he does it at an inopportune time (e.g.. Rocky celebration while being blown out by Arizona).

Add 4 points...
Whenever Josh Huff flashes some game-changing talent. Double it when he inevitably follows it up with a bonehead play.

Add 5 points...
When you hear someone pronounce Nelson Agholor’s last name “Ag-ah-lahr.”

Subtract 12 points...
If your team name is a stupid Ertz pun like “Ertz So Good.” Never ever do that.

PASSING

Add 1 point...
For every Sam Bradford check down. QB1, baby!

Add 3 points...
Every time there’s a slow motion replay of him making a completely terrified panic face as he throws the ball.

Add 4 points...
Whenever you forget and then remember that you forgot that Chase Daniel exists.

Add 5 points...
For each time someone on TV says they should play Carson Wentz.

RUSHING

Add 3 points...
Whenever that Cowboys fan you know and love to hate brings up those Wendell Smallwood tweets from like 7 years ago.

Add 4 points...
For each time a fullback gets a carry. Take that, Chip!

Add 5 points...
For every time you Google search Ryan Mathews and remember that Google doesn’t know who Ryan Mathews is.


Add 6 points...

Whenever the “Legion of Zoom” haunts your memory. You deserve this one, Eagles fan.

D/ST

Add 1 point...
For each time either Beau Allen and/or Bennie Logan jog out onto the field and their stomachs pop out of the bottom of their jerseys.

Add 2 points...
If Brandon Graham unblocks you on Twitter.

Add 3 points...
Whenever Bryan Braman crushes a guy on kickoff and then Joe Buck makes a comment about his hair.

Add 3 points...
Whenever Chris Maragos makes an incredible defensive play in garbage time.

Add 6 points...
For every playground Connor Barwin builds.

Add 15 points...
For each snap Marcus Smith plays. Fat chance.

MISCELLANEOUS

Add 1 point...
Every time Julian Vandervelde get signed and/or cut in 2016.

Add 2 points...
For every personnel change on the offensive line.

Add 5 points...
For every time Doug Pederson makes someone fall asleep during one of his press conferences. Yeah, he’s super boring and so are the Eagles right now.

Have any Eagles-specific fantasy points that I may have missed out on here? Drop me a line in the comments. I’d love to hear them.

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