Chase Utley Doll Will Come Alive, Strangle You

We’re always on the lookout for fine Phillies merchandise here at Philthy Stuff. Why, remember the Phanatic pillow? Of course you do. You ordered 75 of them in advance of Christmas. Shopping list: DONE.

Anyway, the fine folks at the Examiner recently unearthed a series of stuffed dolls from Bleacher Creatures (emphasis on the “creature” part) of various MLB superstars. And wouldn’t you know it, you can buy no fewer than four different Phillies dolls, including Ryan Howard, Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, and my personal favorite, Chase Utley. Why, just look into his eyes. Surely, he won’t start blinking when you walk past him, then grab a kitchen knife and attack you.

I’m a bit stunned by how little these dolls actually resemble their human counterparts. Go ahead and click on the Derek Jeter doll. It looks like Yogi Berra. The A-Rod doll looks more like Jeter than the Jeter doll does. For $21.99 ($21.99!), I expect a bit more craftsmanship in my bastardized MLB Cabbage Patch Doll, which I will purchase and sleep with every night because I’m a mature person with no psychological issues of any kind.

So anyway, if you’re in the market for an expensive children’s toy that will eventually be co-opted by the dog, then look no further. Chase Utley is just begging to spend the rest of his life inside your Labrador’s mouth.

Contact Us