While they rest up and prepare to take on the San Diego Padres this weekend, Ryan Howard and a few Phillies are electing to be guest servers tonight at a special charity fundraiser at Morton’s Steakhouse, benefiting Howard’s eponymous foundation.
It ain’t cheap. Tickets will set you back $350. However, it does say that taxes, tips, and valet parking are included in that price, which is great because our editor Lou fretted about the social awkwardness of trying to determine an appropriate tip for your waiter when you know your waiter is filthy rich (Lou did not consider the tip pool factor, however, which redistributes collected tips to working runners and busboys). No coat check included though, and that is where they’ll get you. At the event, you can select from entrees such as colossal shrimp Alexander (I don’t know what that is, but the “colossal” part makes me want it), along with standards such as mixed field greens (BORING).
This is all for a good cause, of course. Howard’s foundation supports special programs for disadvantaged youths. But I think I’d feel weird with having Ryan Howard as my waiter. Like, for the first five minutes, it would be fun as a novelty, and then it would get pretty strange. I envision it would go something like this:
“Hey, you’re Ryan Howard!”
“I am Ryan Howard!”
“And you’re waiting on ME! Which is funny because you’re a famous baseball player!”
“I know! Crazy!”
“So…”
“So…”
“Uh…”
“You want some more water?”
“Oh. Uh… yeah. I guess so, RYAN HOWARD. Boy, this sure is odd!”
You know there will be one guy there tonight who totally takes the Ryan-Howard-is-waiting-on-me thing too far and gets a little pretend huffy with Howard because he didn’t serve his colossal shrimp Alexander on time. And then Howard will laugh because he’s polite but secretly he’ll want to punch that guy’s face in. If you go this evening, please don’t be that guy. You’re embarrassing everyone already.
So if you’re hungry and you feel like helping folks out, head out tonight and let Ryan Howard replace your butter. And then keep your trap shut when he accidentally forgets to punch your "Medium Rare" request into the computer.
