Countdown to 2009: Jim's Top 10 Least Anticipated Movies of 2009

Every weekday of December (except for December 25, that is), Phillyist will be counting down to 2009 with our highlights from the past year and our predictions for the next. If you have a list you'd like to submit, let us know!

uninvited poster

10. The Uninvited
This is a remake, but not of, as one might reasonably expect, any of the many other films called The Uninvited. Instead, it's a remake of a South Korean film from 2003 called A Tale of Two Sisters. I saw that film at the Philadelphia Film Festival and didn't really enjoy it. It's definitely effective and disturbing, with many genuinely scary moments, but overall it just doesn't make a lot of sense, and leaves a lot of questions unanswered. And seeing as how I didn't like the original, the American remake can only be worse. So far the ads bear this out; it seems pretty clear from the trailer that they've removed everything unique and interesting from the original and turned it into a by-the-numbers supernatural thriller. "Uninvited," indeed.

9. He's Just Not That Into You
This one was originally scheduled to be released in 2008, so it got a spot on last year's version of this list. Now that it appears to actually be coming out early next year, it makes the list again. To quote myself from last time: "A movie adaptation of a lame relationship advice book?! Which is made up of interconnecting story arcs?!? HATE!!!"

8. The Pink Panther 2
I don't even like the original Pink Panther films (I don't find Clouseau's bumbling funny; I just end up sympathizing painfully with his boss' desire to kill him), and Steve Martin's remake looked even worse, and now they're making a sequel to that. No thank you.

7. 17 Again
Many films have answered the question "What if you could be young again?" but for some reason this film thought it necessary to answer that question yet again, and in pretty much the same way as all the others. This time the performers acting out the ancient farce are teen sensation-of-the-moment Zac Efron as the young self, and Friends has-been Matthew Perry as the old self. I think I'd rather eat a fork than see this movie.

6. Wild Child
Another repeat offender! This film was also scheduled to be released in 2008, and made my list of the Top 10 Least Anticipated Movies for that year, but it won't actually come out in America until around the middle of next year. The last time I wrote about this film, there wasn't much information available on it, but now you can read a detailed synopsis at ComingSoon.net. And guess what? It still sounds terrible! Spoiled rich girl is sent to stuck-up British academy and learns an important lesson from the other girls there, but also teaches them an important lesson. Yak.

5. Angels & Demons
Let's get this out of the way right now: Dan Brown is a terrible writer. I couldn't even get past the first couple chapters of The Da Vinci Code, it was so awful. Also pretty terrible writers? Akiva Goldsman and David Koepp. Brown wrote the book this movie is based on, and Goldsman and Koepp wrote the adaptation. It's three layers of bad!

4. Saw VI
I thought they milked the premise dry in the first film, but incredibly they've made five more without really altering the formula one bit. Make it stop!!

3. A Christmas Carol
Don't get me wrong. I love the story, and a number of the film adaptations are some of my favorite movies. But this version, if I understand correctly, will use the same creepy, uncanny-valley-style animation process director Robert Zemeckis used for Polar Express and Beowulf, and it will star Jim Carrey as Ebenezer Scrooge, the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. I'm pretty sure this movie is already playing nonstop in hell.

2. The Three Stooges
I used to like The Three Stooges... when I was a kid. Now it seems painfully stupid and dull. The Farrelly brothers, whose work I've never enjoyed (well, except maybe Fever Pitch; that was pretty cute), apparently never grew out of liking the Stooges and are making the show into a movie. I'm horrified. If they're planning on casting Jim Carrey as every one of the Stooges, the production should be stopped immediately for the good of humanity.

1. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel
Again, I was not a fan of the original Alvin and friends, and even less of a fan of the new, computer-animated, rapping versions. I was ready to declare the death of Western Civilization when the first movie starring these horrid creatures did so well at the box office. And now, here I am, staring down the "squeakuel." *shiver*

Image via Internet Movie Poster Awards Gallery

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