Out Of The Nest: Eagles at Chiefs

Every week during the season, we’ll scout out the Eagles next opponent. Tonight, that opponent is the Kansas City Chiefs.

The Opponent: The Kansas City Chiefs, aka the Chefs, aka Todd Haley Will Not Tolerate You Chewing Gum In Here, Young Man.

Record: 0-2 (preseason)

The Line: Pick ‘em. I love pick ‘em lines. With a pick ‘em line, your gambling interests coincide precisely with the team on the field. All they have to do is win. Not by 3. Not by 6. Just win outright, and you get your money. Kinda nice. Oh, and you’re a moron if you bet on the preseason.

Last Year: 4-12. Though the Chiefs showed a mild pulse as the season came to a close, but horrible teams always have a way of doing that when they play other teams who have also quit on the season.

The Coach: Todd Haley. Todd Haley just moved you down to third on his depth chart. Why? Son, if you need to ask why, you don’t belong on Todd Haley’s team. He will find REAL players who want to be a part of this program. Coach Haley also asks that you sign this pledge not to do drugs or drink alcohol.

The Offense: Charlie Weis comes aboard this year to walk around Chiefs practices and dish out pithy Jersey bon mots at any player he deems girly or lacking in toughness. Hey, it totally worked at Notre Dame! Jamaal Charles gained over 1,100 yards in fewer games last year than any back ever has. So, as a reward, he gets to lose his job to Thomas Jones. Because Weis and Haley are supreme motivators like that. The Chiefs quarterback is Matt Cassel, who is one year away from officially being deemed one of history’s luckiest players.

The Defense: This was the defense Kevin Kolb tore to shreds last year in his second full game. He passed for over 300 yards and scored three TD’s that day (two in the air, one on the ground). He can probably duplicate that again in a half’s work this evening. Will it tell you anything about his prospects for the entire year? Nope.

Key Matchup: None. It’s the preseason. By all means, watch this while packing for your Glenn Beck rally.

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