Creepy Coach of Creepy Sport Sentenced

A former teacher and wrestling coach in New Jersey was sentenced Thursday after accusations that he inappropriately touched one of his students during wrestling practice.

According to authorities, 31-year-old Joseph Mauro, a former St. Joseph's High School teacher in Mays Landing, N.J., was sentenced to 364 days of day reporting and forfeited his teaching license after pleading guilty to endangering the welfare of a child.

Now, while we are all relieved that this man will no longer be able to teach innocent children, I think the authorities should take it one step further: In addition to this coach, the entire school board should be punished…for even having a wrestling team.

Here’s where I’m going with this: Isn’t the whole of wrestling made up of inappropriate touching? I mean, really. It's kind of gross.

Watching a high school wrestling match is one of the most uncomfortable experiences one can have. It consists of sweaty teenagers in unitards, rolling around on the floor with their arms between each other’s legs, trying to pin the other down into submission. You get the distinct feeling you should not be watching the weirdness.

Most other high school or professional sport would call “foul!” on such behavior. I’m with them.

You should never have to experience shivers up and down your spine during a sporting event, nor endure the inability to have eye contact with the players after the game.

Has watching baseball, soccer, football, track, or even ballet (keeping with the unitard theme) evoked the same feelings of uneasiness? Never. Wrestling is just plain creepy.

So stop the heebie jeebies for generations to come, high schools. Ban wrestling everywhere, immediately, please.

(We’ll deal with sumo and pro wrestling later. Between the thongs on 300-pound men and men with capes smashing chairs over people’s heads, there’s just too much to address.)

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