Tuesday Watch List: Beatles And Bad Girls!

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and call the cable company to get your TV fixed. Please enter your account number. GAH! You don’t have your account number! But it’s right on your bill. BUT YOU THREW OUT THE BILL! NOOOOOOOO!

Why do they always make this so hard? LET’S GO!

LOST – 9:00PM (ABC)

Tonight’s episode is called “Happily Ever After.” What does it mean? It’s clearly meant ironically. Does it mean something tragic will happen? Will we have a sad ending? Or will there be no ending? Will this show simply end with a continuous loop of a record skipping? Why does Desmond wake up back on the island? Is he dreaming he’s there? Does he even exist to begin with? Do WE really exist? What if the square root of 9 really ISN’T three? What is that noise my car is making? How do birds kiss?! So many questions. ANTICIPATION: ????????????!

AMERICAN IDOL – 8:00PM (FOX)

Oof, it’s Beatles Week. The remaining singers have full access to the Lennon/McCartney catalog. And if you thought Andrew Garcia butchered the Stones, just wait to he gets a hold of “Hey Jude”. ANTICIPATION: ROCKY RACCOON IS ALREADY BAD ENOUGH AS IS

LOVE GAMES: BAD GIRLS NEED LOVE TOO – 10:00PM (Oxygen)

Somehow, this is NOT a Cinemax show. It really should be a Cinemax show. It should be on Cinemax late Friday night, and it should star Samantha Fox. ANTICIPATION: NOT SOFTCORE

CHOPPED – 10:00PM (Food Network)

Wanna figure out who’s going to lose the final round of this each week? Just wait for the contestant who says, “For dessert, I decided to make a Napoleon…” NOOOO! Don’t do it, man! EVERYONE MAKES A NAPOLEON! YOU’RE JUST STACKING THINGS ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS! YOU FOOL! Never make a Napoleon, people. Also, I love it when a contestant forgets one item on one of the plates, so one of the judges gets two meatballs instead of three. And the judge is always a complete JERK about it. “I only got two meatballs. Why? What, do you hate me? I REALLY WANTED THAT MEATBALL.” Then they just stare at the poor guy. It’s a meatball made with pork, Kleenex, and bubble gum. You’re lucky you only have to eat two. ANTICIPATION: TESTY!

HOW THE STATES GOT THEIR SHAPES – 9:00PM (History Channel)

Did you not know how Maine got its shape? Sad story, really. It was due to a freak boating accident. ANTICIPATION: MORE POLYGONS TO THE WEST!

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