Let's imagine for a minute that the Phillies will be gathering Monday night to host their annual Halloween bash at Citizens Bank Park as most of the players don their best costumes. We here at Philthy Stuff are going to take our guesses at what the costumes would be at this red carpet affair.
(NOTE: This is just a "what if" fantasy situation.)
Roy Halladay as... Batman - Doc plays as hard as he works, and Halloween is no exception. While he could put on a cheap plastic mask, the two-time Cy Young winner gets into the Halloween spirit by actually becoming what his costume is. In 2006, he went as a doctor after getting his MD in internal medicine from Stanford University. In 2008, he got his pilot's license when he went as Maverick from Top Gun. This year's costume? Batman. The Christian Bale one. I can't reveal too much about how he prepared for this one, but if any of you wise acres are going to cause mischief in the greater Philadelphia area, make sure to bring a fresh pair of undies and plenty of Tylenol.
Cliff Lee as... a ghost - The team's co-ace gets about as excited for Halloween as he does a weak pop up to the mound during the World Series, and puts the same amount of effort into designing his costume.
Cole Hamels as...Jacob Black - I know what you're thinking: Cole is totally Team Edward. Nah, the ace lefty has an affinity for the canine family, which totally explains this.
Hunter Pence as...Alec Baldwin's character from Glengarry Glen Ross - It starts out harmlessly enough as Hunter ribs the other players in the style of David Mamet, but things turn really sour when he screams "ALWAYS BE CLOSING" to Brad Lidge for the sixth time.
Kyle Kendrick as...No one. - Turns out that Kyle didn't get invited.
Ryan Howard as...Hector Salamanca from Breaking Bad - The ailing first baseman was originally going to go as cult hero Shaft, but a bum ankle gave him a reason to parade around in a wheelchair with a bell attached to it. Also, I have it on good authority to know that Ryan is a bit of a method actor, so don't stand too close to him after he's sampled the bean dip, if you get my meaning.
Shane Victorino as...himself - Shane doesn’t need a costume (or a reason) to ask his neighbors for candy.
Chase Utley as...absent - When reached for comment about his costume, Chase replied: "My costume is the same it is every year. A guy who works harder than you. Who let you into my gym?"
Joe Blanton as...The Stay Puft Marsh - You know what, that's too easy. Let's just say that Blanton went as one of the guys from Devo. Cool?
Jimmy Rollins as...TBA - The soon-to-be-free-agent shortstop won't actually be in costume when the party starts, as he is currently fielding offers from the highest bidder. But I do have it on good authority that an Ewok costume from 1983 is going to be the big spender for Jimmy's costuming services. Shame for Jimmy, too, because those costumes itch like you wouldn't even believe, and after four hours in what is essentially a shag carpet, it begins to smell like what I imagine the team's locker room smells like in the middle of the summer.
Ruben Amaro as...Ed Wade - Amaro will be dressing up as the former Phillies General Manager, and will proceed to trade you a king-sized Milky Way bar for a fist-full of pennies and some dental floss before proclaiming that the dental floss has a bright future in his mouth.
Domonic Brown as...a Major League baseball player. What? Halloween is all about fantasy.
Charlie Manuel as...well, nothing - The manager of the team, who has no tolerance for this sort of goofing about, is going to make everyone nervous and super uncomfortable, thanks to comments like "I remember when I was daggum 12 years old" and "I would have dressed up for Halloween when I was your age, but I was too busy being a durn man." At one point, the Skipper is going inexplicably call upon Ben Francisco to pinch hit for Wilson Valdez at the punch bowl, noting that "I liked how Ben matched up with that ladle."
Carlos Ruiz as...Carlos Ruiz - Our beloved catcher was going to show up as Carlos Ruiz, the soccer player which would have resulted in some hilarious Who's on First-esque tomfoolery, but since the latter Ruiz was traded from the Philly Union, Chooch will be going with his backup costume: Tim McCarver.
Michael Martinez as...The Pizza Guy - The versatile fielder is going to fit right in in his delivery man costume, but things are going to get really awkward when it turns out that he is actually delivering pizzas. Rule-5 players have to eat, too.
Raul Ibanez as...His Past Self - The veteran left fielder, who is likely not going to be returning to the Phillies in 2012, will add a coat of Just For Men to his beard, turn his baseball cap sideways and show up proclaiming to be from the year 2004, at which point he will jokingly-but-also-kind-of-seriously use that to get a four-year contract because "this team needs to get younger."
Placido Polanco as...Pac Man - Despite the fact that he spent well over $4,000 on his authentic Pac Man costume, everyone is going to keep assuming he is dressed up as a life-sized version of the sun.
Big ups for the Roy Halladay/Batman photo go to my pal Ryan, who can (and should) be followed on Twitter @phylan.