The Phillies are currently the best team in the National League and, provided they get Chase Utley and Roy Oswalt back in relatively short order, seem likely to only improve as the year goes on. But that hasn’t been enough for certain Phillies fans out there, and now one man is taking the fans to task for having a rotten attitude. That man isn’t me, of course. I don’t want my car keyed. No, that man is Fightins blogger Danger Guerrero (NOTE: Not his real name!), who writes:
Shut up.
That’s pretty much the gist of it. Just shut up a little more. I’m not entirely sure when it happened, but at some point we, as a fanbase, became incredibly whiny… It’s gotten to the point that I don’t check Twitter during the games that much anymore, lest I’m besieged with people Tweeting things about how “This team isn’t built to win!” or “Their record is a mirage,” or, my favorite, the sarcastic “Naturally (insert Phillies player) would (insert form of baseball related failure) in that spot!”…
You know that guy who complains about the sound system in his brand new Porsche? You know how much you hate that guy? Because you’ve become him. Congratulations.
This rant elicited a number of frenzied replies. But if I may play Mr. Mediator here, allow me to just say to all you Phillies fans out there that despite what Mr. Guerrero says, you are NOT the whiniest fanbase in all of baseball. I promise you that Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs fans have it all over you in spades. HOWEVER, if you find it insulting that you are NOT the whiniest fans in all of baseball, and would like to reach the top of the list, then I humbly submit to you the following course of action.
1. Overreact to every game, regardless of its importance and/or place on the schedule.
Guerrero believes this is happening right now with Phillies fans, but trust me, have you ever seen Red Sox fans? They complain after SPRING TRAINING games. And not only do they complain about games recently played, they complain about games from OTHER years, and constantly relate those games back to 1986, which then gives them another reason to complain. They have complaining down to a layered science. You lag far behind in that kind of obscene lameness.
2. Complain about the Phillies to people who are clearly not Phillies fans.
Or even baseball fans! That’s the hallmark of a true whiner fanbase. Go to a party sometime and observe this conversation.
YOU: Hey Fred, how are things going?
FRED: Well, good as they can be. After all, I’m a Cubs fan…
Shut up shut up shut up. I never asked you to introduce your baseball angst to this conversation. Try that kind of thing more and you Phillies fans will become insufferable in no time!
3. Start demanding perfectly good players be traded or released.
Doc Halladay is a great pitcher. But what has he REALLY ever done for you? He wasn’t on this team when you won the World Series now, was he? Is he a TRUE Phillie? These are the kind of questions you need to ask if you want to be as coarsely irritating as a Yankees fan.
Got it? Do those three things and people will be mentally shooting you at every passing turn. And enjoy the rest of the season. Or don’t, if misery is your thing.
