You’re a Phillies fan. Hating stuff is your birthright, which is why we present the occasional Hater’s Guide to teams you should vehemently dislike.
Your Philadelphia Phillies are off to a predictably strong start this season, already sitting cozily atop the NL East after just six games. And tonight, the Phils get their first shot at playing their only real competition in the division: The Atlanta Braves.
I hate the Braves. And as a Phillies fan, you should as well. Here are three reasons, not all of them rational:
1. I dislike that Ted Turner once insisted on airing all Braves games on TBS and branding them as "America’s Team," a moniker that thankfully never stuck. The Braves are adored by America about as much as canned mule sausage. We Americans have a strong dislike for things that are consistently pushed on us: The Braves, "Firefly," the WNBA, and so on and so forth.
2. Atlanta is the worst sports town in America. And I don’t think people from Atlanta would even bother to argue this point, largely because they’re still stuck in traffic. The city stands as a gigantic epicenter of indifference. Did you know that Atlanta has a hockey team named the Thrashers? Atlantans didn’t. And is there a more disposable NBA team than the Hawks? If the Hawks played all their games at a local comedy club, they still wouldn’t be able to sell out. The Braves, out of all Atlanta teams, should enjoy sellout crowds all the time, what with their history of success and plethora of young batting talent. But I promise you there will be more than a few Phillies fans on hand at the Ted this evening. And that’s because Atlantans are too pathetic to even be fair weather fans.
3. Chipper Jones. Here’s a picture of Chipper Jones back in the 1990’s. And here’s a picture of Chipper now. What happened, man? You used to be a nice looking fellow. Now you look like Lenny Dykstra’s accomplice. No one should be allowed to age that poorly. BONUS: Chipper produces his own Chardonnay called Chipper Chardonnay. Chardonnay is disgusting.
So keep all those things in mind tonight while you watch Cliff Lee blow holes through Jason Heyward and company. The Braves aren’t just your opponent, they’re a walking insult to humanity.