21 Things You Can't Say to Obama

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    No I don't want a cigarette.

    A new feature: Ask Dr. Politics! You ask the questions; we feed your delusions.

    Dear Dr. Politics: I am reliably informed that following Barack Obama’s last news conference, a list was circulated in the White House of 21 things the staff was not allowed to say to the president. The mainstream media refuses to publish the list. You are our only hope, even though we have the utmost contempt for you.

    Reply: Glad to oblige. Here are “The 21 Things You Cannot Say to the President after a News Conference”:

    1. Hey, we hear the Golf Channel is going to carry it next time. Well, actually, only the Golf Channel is going to carry it next time.

    2. Don’t worry. We’ll get ’em next year.

    3. Professor Gates called. He can’t find his house keys.

    4. You want to take a mulligan on this one?

    5. We did try to plant a question about Bo, but nobody would go for it.

    6. Saying, “I don’t know all the facts ... but the police acted stupidly” is a little like saying, “I don’t know if there are weapons of mass destruction ... but let’s invade Iraq anyway.”

    7. We’ve decided to call the whole news conference a “teachable moment.”

    8. You want a cigarette?

    9. Biden called.

    10. William Henry “Bill” Gates is the Microsoft guy. Robert Michael Gates is the secretary of defense guy. Henry Louis Gates Jr. is the Harvard professor. They are not related and have never performed in Vegas together. Gibbs will walk this back in the gaggle.

    11. Tape it over? But, Mr. President, these press conferences are live.

    12. The reason we can’t put the questions on the teleprompter is because we aren’t supposed to know the questions in advance.

    13. Those bunched-up clothes in the bed turned out not to be Douglas Elmendorf.

    14. That reporter wasn’t from North Carolina; he was from North Korea.

    15. Hillary called.

    16. You want a blue pill?

    17. We checked: After six months, they can’t fire you.

    18. If nobody blogs about it, we think you’ll be OK.

    19. Now, is somebody willing to rehearse more and play golf less?

    20. The only poll that counts is the one on Election Day.

    21. Rahm wants to see you in his office immediately.

     

    Dear Dr. Politics: I saw you make fun of the “birthers” on TV. You think we are a bunch of nuts and wackos. That just shows how pathetic you are. In fact, we are ordinary citizens — doctors, lawyers, teachers, plumbers, Pilates instructors — who are not afraid to speak the truth. We are Americans. We are your neighbors. Though once we gather enough dilithium crystals, we probably will be leaving your planet.

    Reply: Why do the birthers waste all their time arguing that Barack Obama was not born in Hawaii, when a legal document clearly shows that he was? The only real argument, it seems to us, is whether Hawaii is legitimately a state or actually a sovereign kingdom that is not part of the United States.

    Dr. Politics put his crack research staff (Wikipedia) on this. It found under the heading “Apology Resolution” that on Nov. 23, 1993, the U.S. Congress adopted legislation creating United States Public Law 103-150, commonly known as the Apology Resolution, and that President Bill Clinton signed it shortly thereafter.

    Dr. Politics is not making this up. The law states that Congress “acknowledges that the overthrow of the Kingdom of Hawaii occurred with the active participation of agents and citizens of the United States and further acknowledges that the Native Hawaiian people never directly relinquished to the United States their claims to their inherent sovereignty as a people over their national lands, either through the Kingdom of Hawaii or through a plebiscite or referendum.”

    True, on March 31 of this year, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the “Apology Resolution did not strip Hawaii of its sovereign authority to alienate the lands the United States held in absolute fee and granted to the State upon its admission to the Union.”

    We are not sure what this means. But we think it means Barack Obama is still president. At least until there is a ruling from the United Federation of Planets.

    Roger Simon is POLITICO’s chief political columnist.